It’s taken me a while to write to you again. I was not sure I was going to anymore. I was almost ready to give up on ‘The Everyday Project’ considering how poorly the meaning comes across now. Losing faith in yourself and giving up on yourself are two of the easiest things to do in life. I did it just a few days ago for the millionth time.
In fact, right now my words are stumbling. I feel pretty clueless and like I’m trying to make sense of what I’m trying to say to you as I type. For instance, this draft has been saved for a week now. Every day I stare at it for a few minutes, try my luck by forcing out a few words, hitting backspace and finally saving the draft all over again.
Here’s the thing though, Gen. D sat me down yesterday and reminded me of something that I have been feeling my whole life – writing is my first love. It reminded me of this scene in the movie ‘Patiala House’ where Anushka Sharma hands Akshay Kumar the ball and tells him “Gattu, play! Do what you were born to do!” And that’s followed by him reflecting upon it and saying ‘Usne aisa kuch nahi kahan tha jo main already nahi jaanta tha. I was born to do this. I was born to play.’ That’s exactly the kind of moment I had with Gen. D yesterday.
There is something all of us are born to do. It’s that one thing that we fall in an all-consuming love with and consciously choose for life. For some people, it is their spouse and that’s equally beautiful to me, if not more. For me, it’s writing. For a really long time now, I have been making Gen. D the focal point of my life. And despite friends and loved ones warning me against doing that, I never got the point. I was insistent on it because that’s where my heart was and wanted to be. I didn’t want to make it be anywhere else, if it didn’t want to.
But connections, same as bridges, never sustain on one side. I generally judge people who say what I’m about to – but I’ve learned that the hard way. You need two full individuals holding it up. And I had reduced myself to nothing more than the woman who is in love with Gen. D. In the last few days especially, I’m not proud to say that I had absolutely nothing more to me. I almost lost friends and definitely skipped out on a lot of writing and career progress.
I can’t give you an ‘I’m finally back and it feels so great to be rising after I fell with twice the strength and determination’ because I really don’t know. But it feels good to be writing to you again. It feels good to slowly but surely be getting my friends back. It feels good to be trying again. I want to make promises to you like resuming and sticking to ‘The Everyday Project’ henceforth but that hasn’t exactly worked in the past. I’m still in the phase where I’m frankly struggling to believe in myself. But that’s exactly what we all are ultimately trying for. So here’s #351 and I’m hoping to count backwards every day.
This post, however, is specifically to thank the people who haven’t tolerated my giving up or lack of faith in myself. I want to thank my mom, because after 25 years, not giving up on me and not letting me be any lesser than what I’m meant to be has become something of a mastered art for her. My dad and brother who somewhere know that I don’t let them in as much as my mom and everyone else and yet they never stop nagging me about doing whatever will ultimately give me happiness. My cousins who take it in turns to literally come to my rescue whenever they feel like I’m stagnating. My cousin, Shreya, who has been whatsapping me the link to my blog each time she doesn’t see a post on it. My friends who are angry, hurt and let down and will take time trusting me again and yet they’re stubbornly keeping me around in their lives and demanding that I give answers for my behaviour and that I change my ways. My boss who goes beyond the levels of ‘keeping it professional’ and hits me where it hurts as a challenge for me to rise and prove myself better. My co-scriptwriter, Tanvi Juwale, who has been reminding me about it like unfinished homework everyday.
My Praticha who had stopped herself in between from telling me anything and chose to let me be, before she lost it and scolded me haq se over and over again telling me that I’m losing sight of myself and my loved ones. She and I are a team – Gru and Dr. Nefario. And that bridge between her and me has been lopsided for so long that it crossed the point where we could laugh about it and lighten it. She sustained it and metaphorically shook me by the shoulders, telling me “Hosh mein aa! Hosh mein aa! Hosh mein aa!” (she’ll get this reference and another time in another postcard when I tell you about it, so will you and your people who are reading.)
Gen D. of course! Love is the most beautiful when it inspires you. That’s all I’ll say about him. 🙂
For now, that’s all. #350 will be here sooner than you know it. Let’s take it from there after that, shall we? 😉
PS – Thanking people is better than having them in your will sometimes. Those who disagree, raise their hands. 😛