I once lived a terrible nightmare in a building and was only too relieved, by the end of it, to be able to swear not to find myself there ever again in life. I found myself right there for the third time in life today. If pawns were alive, I would be able to relate to the one who got bitten by the snake at 98 and was sent hurtling back to square one! Except, it’s worse when it’s life you’re talking about. You feel great because you’ve moved ahead and left your past a few years behind, until life drags you back and slams you at the same place you’ve learned to dread. You realize it’s a game, an exhausting one, where the battle is between the deliberate moves you make and the roll of the dice.
Sometimes, it is pure fate or the ‘these things take time’ rule that results in you not moving ahead; other times it’s definitely something you did or didn’t do (or maybe did or didn’t do right). For me, whenever I’ve found myself back and stuck in a place which I thought I had left far, far behind, it’s either something that wasn’t in my hands or because of the reason that makes me want to tear my hair out – I never learn.
Today, when I found myself at the same place for the third time in my life, I finally learned to stop getting defensive with the people who tell me I never learn. I was faced with the ridiculous consequences of never learning. My face was pressed into the yellowing pages of my past, while I’ve been making crisp white paper planes and boats in the hopes of taking off in them. If I had learned by now, there would be something more concrete in place of attempts that were weak enough to be blown away by a few strong winds.
This is where my one of my childhood favorites comes into play – The Lion King! I went back to my most favorite shot in the movie. It’s the one where Mufasa talks to Simba (one of my eternal crushes) from the clouds, following which Rafiki hits him with his stick. ‘The past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it, or learn from it.’ said the wise, wise monkey.
For the longest time now, I’ve wanted to disappear into a forest with a Timon and Pumbaa in it, ready to let me in on their ‘Hakuna Matata’ way of life. And the reason I’m not moving ahead is just that. I’m so caught up in past Scars, hyena stampedes and my search for that forest, that I’m letting time simply pass me by without thinking about how to take my place in the ‘Circle of Life’. Doing away with ‘she never learns’ – that’s my next and immediate goal for now.
I have needle epiphanies in a haystack of thoughts, at ghastly hours of the night. But somewhere hidden in there is the solution to seeing you, I’m sure. Thank you for listening to me at this time of the night, World. I’ll have something more interesting for your people tomorrow, hopefully.
PS – I’m never going to see that place again in life. Ever. I swear. And this time, I mean it. No matter what it takes. (Let’s just call that the beginning of the part where Simba runs in a very sexy manner through the forest, to reclaim his life.)